Ursi educates

Ursus educates

In our country, we are plagued with many minor issues. Our economy is in one of the worst conditions that it has been in decades, and politicians are spending copious amounts of non-existent money campaigning for an office that they only have a fifty percent chance of getting. We are fighting in foreign wars, fueled by our dependence on oil from those countries. Our President has even just pushed the metaphorical "Postpone" button on the debt ceiling, as if it was a reminder that his computer was just updated and needs to be restarted, and I should also point out that some of our debt is owned by China. But, there is one problem that tops all of these, and plagues us more than any other: our bears are uneducated.
Because they don't have equal access to all of the education options that we have, they are forced to live like animals. Because they are uneducated, they are unable to get jobs, and have no source of income, so they are forced to live in the woods. You may have seen recently in the news where people have been attacked by bears in Yellowstone National Park.  You may have seen where people have been attacked anywhere, for that matter, or perhaps when bears sneak their way into suburbs across America and rummage through trash cans in search of a bite to eat. They wouldn't have to resort to picking through trash cans and roughing people up a bit, if they could actually communicate with others- something that we learn in school. But, all of those problems, and quite a few others, could be simply solved if we put bears through school.
Now, you're probably reading that and thinking "What does the education of ursi and our failing economy have in common?" But, if you think about it, it would work. Have you ever seen a bear catch a fish? That is just one example of a bear's hunting and gathering skills. Say we put the bears through school. BOOM. Those hunting and gathering skills are now accessible for finding new sources of food, or even jobs for the many unemployed Americans who are seemingly unable to find a job on their own accord.
The militaries of the world would also benefit from the education of bears. Let's look again at bear attacks.  When bears are fighting to protect something that's important to them, they can be rather deadly.  They can also be rather difficult to kill, and even more so when they're fighting back. The expression "loaded for bear" came from the necessity of hunters needing to bring high-caliber ammunition on hunting trips with them in case of a chance bear encounter. Imagine if the bears of the world could fight as an army, or even as a collective bear police force, URSIPOL. In the words of a wise man, "Give a bear a Kevlar vest, and it can kill for a day. Give a bear an education, and it can kill for a lifetime." Maybe the second Amendment should be revised- "The right to bear arms… and the right to arm bears." Rebel uprisings, international crime, and terrorism rates would all drop drastically, because in all seriousness, who would want to face off against a bear, much less a bear with a friggin' gun.
That's only scratching the surface, too. With just those examples, I'm sure you can imagine the possibilities. All we have to do to is put bears through the education system, and all of the world's problems would be inevitably solved. Educating bears is the only way that our society can survive into the 22nd Century without collapsing around us. The world would be a better place, free of all of the minor problems out there, and cleansed of the biggest one of all: our uneducated grizzly friends, bearkind.